3/17/04

God will probably curse me

 

I don't know why but I usually ask my friends about their siblings. I just think that knowing whether or not someone cares about their siblings tells a lot about a person's character. Right? Whenever I find out someone is the oldest sibling they usually always tell me that they wish they had an older brother or sister. Personally I think it would be cooler to have a younger sibling because then you could really mess them up and know that it was all your fault. Hahaha, that's so cool.

If I had a younger sister in high school or something I'd probably never let her go out with guys. I mean come on...honestly...how many guys out there actually have good intentions? FUCK THAT! The only time a boy could ever have good intentions with my little sister is when I'm there...holding a BAT in my right hand. Hahahaha...yeah it's too bad all you ladies out there don't have me for an older brother. I'm so cool.

A few years ago in Chinese school my teacher told us that if our parents only had sons...we'd probably end up having a bunch of daughters. Haha does that make sense? He was a pretty cool Chinese school teacher though - he always went off on tangents during his lessons. Anyways he said that since he had three sons his sons would probably end up having a crapload of daughters. He was actually hoping that his third son would've been a girl and when he found out it was a boy he was kind of put off. Hahaha...poor guy.

So yeah...if I ever have kids they're probably going to end up as daughters. Woeeeeeee! HAHA JUST KIDDING. Girls are cool.

Here's where I think God will curse me. What if for some unholy twist of fate, my ugly ass genes could potentially spawn something beautiful? What if my daughter was like...super fucking hot. HAHAHAHA, OKAY I'M NOT TRYING TO SOUND INCESTUOUS OR ANYTHING. I'M NOT FROM FRESNO DUDES. But lets just say hypothetically that she turns out beautiful. Who knows right? Sometimes two butt ugly people can get together and create beautiful, beautiful kids...and sometimes two super good looking people can come together to form swamp beasts. Honestly...DEMI MOORE AND BRUCE WILLIS...their girls look like HOBBITS!

So yeah...lets say I do have a good looking daughter. Hahaha...I'm really gonna mess her up good. I'm going to train her from youth to love fat kids. YEAH YOU HEARD ME! I'm going to make sure she is super athletic, intelligent, smart, and fuckin' incredible. Every jock and pretty boy Asian out there is going to want her but oh no...she won't date those dirty pricks. She's going to date the humble chubby engineer...and all the boys will be like, "WHAT THE HELL I DON'T GET IT! WHY DOESN'T SHE LIKE ME? I'M SO POPULAR. I'M SO COOL. I'M ON THE BASKETBALL TEAM. I'M A SPEECH AND DEBATE GOD. I'M PRESIDENT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL. I COULD PRACTICALLY BE A MALE MODEL...WHY THE HELL IS SHE DATING THAT UGLY FOOL?"

Hahahaha...is it worth it? HELL YEAH IT IS! I'm the best father this world has ever seen. And when all the cool guys out there ask her why she is dating such a nice humble guy she will say, "because he kicks all your asses and he has more heart than all of you combined!" That's right baby girl...you tell those muscle heads how engineers are the best!

MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA. I feel like Dr. Evil.

Isn't this a good plan?

Hehehehehehehehe.

 

Damn it's hot.

 

Peace you ghetto fabulous chigga

 

3/16/04

Awesome idea

 

If you've ever had a class with me, chances are you've probably received a piece of gum from me since I'm usually never caught without a pack of Orbit. I had this great idea last night when thinking about a little Hindu friend of mine...I'll call him...Latoya. So yeah...Laytoya has this tiny addiction to cigarettes and I told him he should just buy some Nicorette to help curb the hunger. So I'm thinking to myself, what if I bought Nicorette gum and gave it to my friends to chew during class? HAHAHAHAHAHA. No like seriously...I'd put the Nicorette into a Dentyne Ice package or something so they wouldn't know and then I'd slowly get them hooked...HAHAHAHAHA.

You know how most people buy the strongest kind and then move down? I'd buy the weakest kind and then move up! Soon they'd be so addicted to Nicorette gum I'd have them wrapped around my pinky finger - I'd never have to do homework again! I'd just trade one assignment for one hit of my delicious, mouth-watering Dentyne Ice. AHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Why aren't you laughing with me?

Don't worry, my gum isn't Nicorette. That stuff is too expensive anyways. I just thought it would be kinda funny to see a bunch of Engineers addicted to chewing gum.

 

Sweet deal.

 

 

3/15/04

Death is too easy

 

This man makes me sick. I can hardly read this article because it is so fucking disgusting. If I were in charge of this country I would have him tortured for a year until he reached the brink of death. I would have him tortured so much that he could paint a watercolor of the afterlife with his eyes closed alright.

Then I would cut off small pieces of his body real slow....

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What you don't want me in charge anymore huh? That's too bad. Yeah I don't think I should rule the world either because people would probably die. I'd rather lead a huge company anyways...hahaha. Did I ever tell you that Lex Luthor was my hero? I must say...he is probably the most well portrayed character in all of Smallville. I love how he always has a little bit of purple on his wardrobe whether it is a tie or a pin or some sort of fringe. I hope to be like him some day - pure evil and in control.

MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA.

Umm, if you're reading this and you are a fine Asian girl...I'm just playing around baby. I don't mean any of this. Hahaha...no seriously...I'm just joking.

If you're reading this and you're a damned good accountant, I'm going need you to cover my paper trail when my company posts false profit ratings to the SEC. Don't worry I'll pay you extremely well and if we ever get caught we'll be on the first flight to the Caribbean. We'll buy an island or something...how does that sound? :) Martha Stewart is so dumb. Honestly....

SPRING BREAK IS COMING! Can you guess what I'm gonna do?

STUDY. THAT'S WHAT.

Call me up and we'll chill or something.

 

Peace you flavorless monkey doodle.

 

3/14/04

Dear Father, forgive me...for I have sinned!

 

Yes it has been nearly three weeks since my last posting. But a lot has happened in the past three weeks. For all of you out there who don't know, I've moved into a new apartment with a spanking-good view of the Bay Area. It is, without a doubt, quite fantastic. Haha, so kiss mah AZZZZ! Don't forget though, I have to practically hike up a mountain to get to my apartment...but the view is so...so very good.

Two good things have happened to me recently. Remember how in my old place I had a magic window? You know...the window all of you use to accuse me of being a Peeping Wong? WELL GUESS WHAT! THE MAGIC WINDOW ISN'T A HOUSE CAT THAT STAYS WITH THE HOUSE, BUT A DOG THAT MOVES WITH THE OWNER! Last night while I was walking back to my apartment from a night of studying in Cory Hall, I almost got pegged with a cigarette box outside the main door to my building. A resident in the front building was having a huge party and some fucker on the balcony threw his empty box off the side which landed less than two feet away from me. Fucking prick. So yeah, I go inside and I ride the elevator with some of the people probably going to the same party...they looked aged 24-28...so they were too old to be undergrads.

I get back to my place and chill a bit...the time reaches about 1:25 a.m. when all of a sudden I hear SPLASHING in my pool. So naturally I want to find out what is going on right? I step out onto my balcony and the first thing I hear is....

*GIGGLE GIGGLE* "Come on! Take off all your clothes and get in with me!" *GIGGLE GIGGLE*

Hahaha, this obviously drunk white chick was convincing a bunch of her friends to go skinny dipping with her. So yeah...a lot of them agree and before you know it...my pool is full of naked drunkies. AND NO, I WAS NOT LOOKING AT THE DUDES...do I look like a resident of La Loma? HAHAHAHAHAHA. Some of the girls were pretty hot, but there was one that was a bit too pudgy...consequently she was also the loudest and probably the dumbest of the bunch. A neighbor on the first floor came out and told them they weren't supposed to be swimming so all the drunkies climbed out of the pool apologizing like gorillas caught shamefully eating their own poo. You would think these guys would've learned their lesson but NO, THEY CAME BACK AFTER 15 MINUTES. Haha, the same pudgy drunk girl was still cackling like a stupid HYENA and her friends were all trying to hush her so they wouldn't get caught again.

By about 1:50 a.m. I think they decide it's too cold and they all leave. So yeah, all in all they really weren't swimming for long and I only went out the second time to watch because I was brushing my teeth and wondering when my manager would come down to kick them out. I didn't try to hide or anything and they saw me...hahaha one of the girls I think got embarrassed and turned her back to the me and the rest of the group while she was putting her clothes back on. WHAT BITCH? YOU'RE TOO HIGH AND MIGHTY TO LET A YELLOW CHINAMAN LIKE MYSELF SEE YOU IN YOUR BIRTHDAY SUIT?

Hahaha, I'm just kidding.

So yeah, that was last night.

On a lighter note - today I was in the library studying and I watched as a complete stranger sat down about four seats away and pulled out a LIGHT BULB TO PLACE INSIDE THE LAMP!!!!! HAHAHA, A COMPLETE STRANGER TOOK OUT A LIGHT BULB JUST LIKE MINE TO PLACE IN THE MAIN STACK LAMP THINGIES! You have no idea how flattering this is. It was I who started the trend a year ago...I go who decided to go to Home Depot to see if they carried the right light bulb. After all this time I've managed to spread my AWESOME fad to about six others but today when I saw this totally random chick use her own light bulb I felt like I had truly accomplished something great. Something magnificent.

AND YES, IT DOES FEEL BETTER THAN REACHING THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST. THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

Man y'all have no faith in the SYSTEM do you? Hahahaha, so I live my life by tiny triumphs...is that wrong? I don't think so. That made me really happy to see that my life had some purpose.

I really need to meet fine Asian girls. Shit.

 

 

Peace chiggas

 

2/23/04

 

This is me at the New England Aquarium getting ready to flash my patented "West Side" symbols. Too bad Alvin was too trigger-happy and fired his load prematurely before I could get my west coast pride all the way up. Yeah? What?! That's what I thought.

Man my teeth look pretty straight in the photo, it's too bad my retainers are shitty as hell and my string of pearls are slowly reverting back. I think I'm going to get them whitened professionally when I am older...what do you guys think? I think I'll also get a personal trainer to whip me into shape so that I can meet some foine women...hahaha yeah, the ones I'll meet in the engineering department because DEY ARE SO HOT!

Woe is me.... I've learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks. I think this phase in my life has been one of the most tumultuous phases I've ever gone through. Not only did I learn a lot about myself but about people in general and how they deal with different situations. You might have noticed recently that I've been supporting my major and all those who dare to become engineers. I think there was a point when I honestly thought that the people in engineering didn't know what was important in life...like they were too caught up in all their work to realize what was real. I wanted my life to be "better" but what does "better" mean anyways? I tried my best to branch out and meet new people. I wanted to prove to myself and to others that I could be just as well-rounded as any humanities major out there - that I too could be fun and exciting. You know what? I think that despite all that has happened I've still managed to accomplish that goal. Although I wish things could have turned out differently at least I've gained experience right? I think in the end I'll be in the right....

I'm a scary judge of character you know. Haha...too presumptuous? I think not! It doesn't take long to know where someone stands. My greatest fear is becoming transparent. The moment someone sees through me is the moment I've failed and turned into something weak and pathetic. To be transparent is to be like really watered down milk...like when you wash out a milk carton and the first rinse isn't totally clear water.

OH MAN I HAVE SO MANY MIDTERMS COMING UP AND HERE I AM RANTING AND WHINING LIKE A LITTLE SCHOOL GIRL.

Did I mention I'm going to see Kevin Smith on March 31st?!!! YEAHHHHHHHHH. FREAKING KEVIN SMITH.

WHAT YOU SHOULD LEARN TODAY: BE FLEXIBLE. BE FLEXIBLE. BE FLEXIBLE. BE FLEXIBLE. WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET DUDE.

 

Peace you hippies.

 

2/22/04

My fear of dogs

 

Many of you probably couldn't imagine that such a masculine guy like myself would be scared of dogs. But believe you me...I am freakishly scared. Okay...I'm not scared of like ALL dogs...only the ones that are vicious and want to KILL me. I'm totally cool with golden retrievers, small dogs, and dogs on leashes but the ones that bark really loud like they want to tear out my throat...those I'm scared of.

When I was in elementary school I used to know EXACTLY which houses had dogs on my way to school. So you know what I would do? Whenever that house came up I would ARC around it by going across the street so that even if there was a slight chance the dog was loose I would have time to run. Haha, not only that but while I walked by these houses I would calculate my chances of survival. I would have in my mind the nearest car I'd climb onto to get off the ground. Like every car I'd pass I would subconsciously "mark" it in my mind as the car that I'd use.

Even better than cars in my opinion were postmen. Like in my mind I'd have a priority listing of things I could do if a dog attacked my chubby little ass. While I made sure I had cars around me to jump onto I also kept my eye out for people gardening or postmen delivering mail so that I could run to them in time just in case a dog somehow managed to get over a fence. Hahah...damn I was such a pussy.

 Let me tell you about one dog that REALLY scared the shit out of me as a kid. Have you ever walked down a sidewalk when everything is dead quiet and all is at peace? And then, like a fucking cheap shot scary movie, a dog starts attacking the fence like you killed all of its puppies? Yeah! That bastard ALWAYS, ALWAYS went psycho when I walked by. This was no tiny dog okay...this beast was HUGE. Not only that but like this house was on the corner right? I would always walk by the GATE to the backyard first and just like clockwork, when I'm HALFWAY ACROSS THE STREET, I could sense it preparing to attack the gate. It would first bark and then ram the gate...then when the gate wouldn't budge it would get up on its hind legs and stick its head over the top just so I could see its teeth. Haha what a vicious little prick!

Then as I turned the corner I would hear the dog drop down from the gate and run ALL THE WAY AROUND just so it could meet me on the other side to make sure I heard it trying to break down the fence. I swear to god if that fence ever gave I would not be here to tell you this today...hahaha.

I hope that dog got hit by a car.

 

BRU HA HA.

 

2/21/04

Just like Home Alone 2....

 

Recently I proposed an incredible idea to some of my incredibly jaded friends (mostly engineers) about meeting and befriending one of Berkeley's homeless regulars. Here's what I had in mind. You know that guy who comes up to you with a BART ticket and tells you that his family is in trouble and that he needs some money to add to the ticket?

I'm not sure if he really thinks people will believe him or not but I think most homeless guys just need to find their own "niche" when they beg for change. I'm not a heartless bastard okay.... By no means am I trying to undermine racial tension or huge societal problems with my rant so don't think any less of me...just go with the flow baby ;-). My idea is that the next time I meet this guy I will stop him and tell him something like:

"Sup dude. This is like the tenth time you've asked me for change. Here's what I'm going to do for you. This is your first dollar (whip out dollar from wallet), BUT, it doesn't have to be your last. Today I'm going tell you my name. If you remember it the next time our paths cross I promise to double this dollar - does that sound fair to you?"

HAHAHAHAHA...god you better not be laughing right now. So hopefully he'll remember my name right? Then maybe a month later...just by chance...I'll meet him again. Hopefully he'll remember my name, and hopefully I'll have two dollars to give him. THEN, here comes the good part. I'll tell him this:

"Wow I can't believe you remembered my name. What if I tell you right now that the next time you meet me I won't give you two dollars - but FOUR? But as always there is going to be a catch. The catch is that I'm going to tell you my MAJOR...and the next time our paths cross you have to tell me my name AND my major."

Hahahaha, so naturally I'd tell him I was in Electrical Engineering and Computer Science...and no he can't just say EECS because that is way too easy. At this point I'm not sure if I would continue doubling the money because 2^n grows fucking fast but hopefully this would continue and I'd tell him more stuff about myself like where I was born, what my favorite TV show is, how many siblings I have, and all sorts of other sweet goodies about myself. Within a year or so maybe he'd know a lot about me and think I was actually a pretty cool guy. It'll work right?

I probably wouldn't tell him where I lived or anything like that since I don't want him stalking me or some shit but yeah...I think it would be pretty cool.

So here comes the good part and the reason for why befriending a homeless man would come in handy. Remember Home Alone 2? Remember when Kevin met that freakishly ugly pigeon woman from hell - the one covered in shit standing in central park? HAHAHAHAHA...yeah THAT lady. Remember how Kevin was finally captured and was about to get mercilessly shot by those two extremely dangerous thugs? But what happened? PIGEON LADY SAVED HIS WHITE LITTLE BUTT BY THROWING BIRD FEED ALL OVER THEM! (Then the pigeons came and tried to eat them.)

EXACTLY...the woman that Kevin thought was scary as hell ended up SAVING his LIFE. Hahahaha...what if the same thing happened to me? What if a buncha guys decided to jump my sexy engineering self after a long night at the library? That would suck wouldn't it? BUT OH HO! In this moment of dire need who would come to save me? Well none other than my good 'ol Homeless buddy Mo. That's right...when all the rest of you silly rabbits are getting molested by five guys, I'll be home free because my buddy Mo did something to save me since I was willing to give him a chance. Haha, how's that?!

Yeah some of my friends laughed at me. Well, I'd say all of them laughed at me. It was something about how Kevin from Home Alone was a little kid and I was a fully grown adult...and also that no homeless guys would ever have the will to stick out their necks for some loser who tried to become their friend through a stupid concentration game. Oh yeah? What about the movie Pay It Forward?!! THAT HOMELESS GUY TURNED OUT ALRIGHT TOO! I think he was played by Jim Caviezel....

I bet now you're asking, "Well Haley Joel Osmet was an adorable little kid too right?" Goddamnit it's time they stopped using KIDS in these movies. They should be using dead fucking sexy engineers!

Yeah fine screw you...I hope homeless guys jump you and you don't have a single friend amongst them to say:

"Whoa brothers! This is Kevin, the Electrical Engineering and Computer Science major who was born in Massachusetts! He likes to go running and lifting in his spare time. He likes to read Harry Potter books but he didn't read any of the LOTR books because they were totally boring. He also likes to eat Italian food and watch Naruto since it kicks so much ass. Man, Kevin is totally awesome! He has been helping me out completely! He saved my life! LETS NOT JUMP HIM GUYS!"

Then his friends would probably say, "Fuck you Mo." Then proceed in beating me to death. Hahaha....

Think I should do it? Dang did you actually read this far? Hehehehe...

 

Peace chiggas