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As the Millennium either closes or is presumed to close, or is still months away (and let's not argue about that just now, shall we?), certain questions intrigue: Why do we say "God bless you?" after someone sneezes? What are the real words to the Kingsmen's "Louie Louie?" Can you kill somebody with a penny? How did Pauly Shore get all those movie deals?
Yes, friends, these and at least 17 other riddles have haunted my every thought for much of my life, frustrating me like some vapor-brain in a pice-of-crap Corolla, going 45 in the fast lane on the 280. So now we put pen to paper, photon to phosphor, and begin to answer these, The 20 Toughest Questions of the 20th Century. Thank me later.
1. At a commercial laundry, how do they keep track of all the shirts?
A: It's done via a process known as phantom marking. Laundry employees write on the garments with a special ink that can be seen only under ultraviolet light. For real fun, get your own ultraviolet light and see what they're saying about you. My shirts are marked, "Yankee go home" and "kick me!" If I wear those shirts into a black-lighted nightclub, I come home with bootprints on my buttocks and black-blue buns. No fun.
2. Why do we say, "He couldn't hold a candle to you"?
A: During the Renaissance, a person walking home after dark hired a "linkboy" to light the way with a candle or torch. If you couldn't hold a candle to somebody, that meant you weren't even good enough to be his linkboy. And that is why we say, "As an actor, Erik Estrada couldn't hold a candle to David Hasslehoff."
3. Why do you say, "She gave him the cold shoulder"?
A: In medieval France, a cold shoulder of mutton or beef was given to guests who had overstayed their welcome. Thus, when you are out on a Friday night and you meet a girl who looks just like Heather Locklear, and you ask her to dance and she says she'd rather watch the ice in her drink melt, or would rather eat ground glass and die, then you can go back to your friends and say, "She gave me the cold shoulder." Sounds better.
4. If four out of five dentists surveyed recommend sugarless gum for their patients who chew gum, what does the fifth dentist recommend?
A: That they chew no gum at all.
5. Why do we say "God bless you" when someone sneezes?
A: You all remember Prometheus, the fellow from Greek mythology who stole rays from the sun and put them in a bottle? You'll recall that Prometheus eventually opened that bottle near a statue, causing it to sneeze and come to life. (The real problem here: It was a statue designed by Picasso.) Ever since then, the sneeze has represented a momentary foray into the flickering intangible state between death and life, or life and death. When you sneeze, you are in a sort of limbo, and we say, "God bless you!" because you have come out on the side of life.
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