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6. Who was it who said, "Go west, young man"?
A: When Horace Greeley published that phrase in the New York Tribune, he was merely quoting John Basbone Lane Soule, who printed it in the Terre Haute Express. The full quote was, "Go west, young man, and grow up with the country." Though that famous "go west" quote is often wrongly attributed to Greeley, he did coin the phrase, "They can kiss my curvy butt goodbye."
7. Why is Christmas celebrated on December 25th?
A: Neither scripture nor secular history offers proof of the exact date of the birth of Jesus. It wasn't until 350 A.D. that Pope Julius designated Dec. 25 as Christmas. He did so because that date coincided with important pagan festivals, and his wife had been nagging him about it. After he retired from The Vatican, Julius moved to Florida and opened a chain of mall-based orange-juice stands.
8. What's the deal with Smokey the Bear?
A: Battling a blaze in 1950, forest firefighters came across a grizzly cub that had been separated from his mother. The cub was taken to the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. and named "Smokey." The U.S. Forest Service made Smokey part of a fire-prevention campaign that proved to be popular, and soon thereafter, Congress made it illegal to name any other zoo animal "Smokey" or "Pikachu." By the way, Woodsy the Owl has never been a threat to Smokey's fame. To reinvigorate the bird's image for Y2K, the U.S. Forest Service has changed his signature phrase, "Give a hoot, don't pollute," to "Clean up your campground or I will swoop down as you sleep and pluck your inconsiderate eyes right out of their sockets. Then try driving those gas-guzzling SUVs back to the city, you bastards."
9. What is the origin of the song, "Happy Birthday To You"?
A: Your suburban fern bars with names such as Doohickey's, O'Flanagan's and Gosh Darn It's Tuesday like to create their own little birthday jingles. Restaurant employees swoop down on unsuspecting birthday celebrants to sing these warped "Up With People" birthday tunes. At Chevy's, a roving band of birthday terrorists (consisting of every single waiter, waitress, chef, prep chef, bartender and those drunken sorority girls in the lounge) gang up and scream, "Aieeeee!" or some other form of the Mexican "grito," which is normally reserved for any of the 297 various religious holidays celebrated by our friends south of the border.
This usually results in great glee for the people not celebrating a birthday at Chevy's, and creates spectacular profits from the running bar tab, since the victims, who usually flail their arms in fear upon the surprise of 45 people screaming behind them, usually dumps his or her frozen margarita directly onto the floor.
These nauseating musical numbers have renewed my enthusiasm and appreciation for "The Birthday Song," commonly referred to as "Happy Birthday To You."
Two sisters, Mildred and Patty Hill, penned the song in the 1890s. It originally was titled, "Good Morning To You," and it was supposed to be a children's song. Some 40 years later, the tune was reissued with the birthday lyrics, and the rest is history. I think Paul McCartney now owns the publishing rights, so if you sing this in public without clearance, don't be surprised if you're slapped with a lawsuit using difficult-to-understand British words on a document spotted with malt vinegar, probably written in a suburban London fish-and-chips pub where anyone singing annoying birthday songs is immediately festooned with tournament darts.
10. How does a magician saw a woman in half?
A: Two women are employed in this illusion. One of them is hidden in the table as it is brought onstage. As the magician's assistant climbs into the box, the first woman climbs into the box through a trap in the table. She pokes her feet out the end, and curls up with her head bent forward between her knees. The other woman sticks her head out while she draws her knees up to her chin. So you have a complete woman in either half of the box, and the magician can saw right through the middle. This is a trick that requires no skill on the part of the magician, but two women who probably would be a lot of fun on a date. I'll mention this to Debbie and Vicky.
11. Is Chicago the Windy City?
A: Nahh. In terms of average wind speed, Chicago ranks 16th in the country. Great Falls, Montana, is the real Windy City. Other cities ranked ahead of Chicago include Boston, Buffalo, Dallas, Wichita, Cleveland, Milwaukee and Omaha.
Chicago was tabbed the Windy City nearly a century ago by newspapermen who noticed some politicians had a propensity for long-winded speeches. Today Bill Clinton holds the record. In fact, just last week the President finished the address he began at the 1988 Democratic National Convention.
12. What are with the lyrics to "Yankee Doodle Dandy?"
A: "Yankee doodle went to town Riding on a pony, stuck a feather in his cap And called it Macaroni."
What in the world do those last two lines mean?
"Yankee Doodle Dandy" was written by Dr. Richard Shockburg, an English surgeon. He was ridiculing certain Americans who wanted to be like the English dandies who belonged to the prestigious Macaroni Club (so named because of the foreign delicacies served). The song pokes fun at the common Yankees, who thought that by merely putting a feather in their caps, they could be like the Macaronis. (This is the same mistake made when many people decide to become consultants.) Of course, we're talking about the really good macaroni, the one where the cheese comes in a can along with the noodles. Yum. I'm cooking some right now for dinner with our consultant. Perhaps with a nice Chianti.
Tomorrow: Part 3
Answer Man, Part 3 of 3
Answer Man, Part 1 of 3
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