Copyright © 1999 by Jym Dingler, Debbie Rogers and FreakaSounds! Photos were found scattered all over the Web, and then we tinkered together this amusing editorial graphic. Those litigous weasels at Fox should just leave us alone, since we are also part of a multi-billion-dollar media conglomerate with lots of high-paid corporate lawyers who will point out the "excerpt in review" clause in current copyright law, as well as the First Amendment rights we all share are United States citizens. God bless America. Uh, on the stuff we write and design, all rights reserved. So there.

Jym note: When I asked Debbie for a treatise on the Ally McBeal season premiere 1999, including a racy car-wash scene, she turned in not only a quality, logical rant, but a fully reasoned high-concept plan for a new hybrid television event. Bless her. She's the Jamie Tarses to my Brandon Tartikoff. Read on.

Hello, Fox? Not you, Mulder

So what's this new theory that the Fox Television Network seems to have lately? "If we deprive them, they will wait." When's the last time a NEW episode of The X-Files actually ran? I can't even remember! And look how long it took to get a new Ally McBeal. All that waiting makes me realize that I don't really care that much anymore.

At the end of last season I was really pretty darn tired of Ally's whining. The "someday my prince will come" thing was getting old. Ally is like a friend who used to call me every week and go on for 45 minutes or so about her latest problems at work and with guys. It was fun for a while, but once she stopped calling, it was kind of a relief. Last season I knew there was trouble when my favorite character on the show was "Stefan the Frog."

As for Scully and Mulder, last time I checked they weren't in the FBI anymore, or were they? Who knows? The sexual-tension thing between them has been dragging on for waaaaaaaaay toooooooo long! If you ask me, Scully blew it. Maybe Ally and Fox Mulder should get together. Ally acts like an alien half the time, then she and Fox can live happily ever after chasing their alien dreams. And Fox is definitely the tall, dark and handsome hunk Ally's been searching for.

Here's the solution. We'll combine the two shows, and their budgets, and call it The Ally Files. Run a half-hour episode on Sunday night, and another half-hour on Monday night. With their combined characters and production costs, they can afford to do a new episode every week, even when all the other shows are in reruns. Ally and Mulder can look for aliens happily ever after, and Scully can try to break them up. And maybe Ally and Scully can "drink coffee" together every once in a while just to spice things up. We definitely need to write a part in there for Stefan the Frog, though.