TOKYO RICO: The Collected Transmissions
FIRST BROADCAST 9/4/98
Good day. This is Tokyo Rico, and I'd like to urge everyone within range of my voice...to give up. Abandon Burning Man.
What do you gain by remaining here? Sunburn, blisters and dusty pop tarts. But back home there are refrigerators. They keep beverages ice cold, the perfect cure for your dry, parched throat. Hey, have you ever had an Italian ice? They're a sweet and frosty treat that can be purchased at most supermarkets. But there are no supermarkets at Burning Man. Just that wet, week-old pepperoni log floating in the melted ice inside your cooler. If you abandoned Burning Man, you could get fresh, dry pepperoni at a supermaket. And supermarkets are air-conditioned, too. No sweating at a supermarket.
Leave here now. Go home. Your friends and family miss you. What kind of friend are you, to abandon them this way? Your girlfriend or boyfriend back home wants to have sex with you, and here you are, squatting in a port-a-john, struggling to squeeze four days' worth of of constipation through your ravaged digestive system. Why would you choose that instead of prolonged, fulfilling sex?
A special question to those of you from the Southern California area: have you seen any stars or supermodels at Burning Man? In Southern California, the streets are teeming with celebrities! If you abandon Burning Man and return home, you might end up dining alongside such world-famous personalities as Lorenzo Lamas. Or Dirk Benedict. Or TV's favorite "Friend," Jennifer Aniston. They're waiting right now in air-conditioned supermarkets, sucking at cold Italian ices, and just dying to make love to you. Think about it. I know you'll do the right thing. This has been Tokyo Rico...with a transmission...
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SECOND BROADCAST 9/5/98
Good Day. This is Tokyo Rico, and I'm here again to advise you to leave Burning Man immediately. It's easy. Just collapse your tents, dismantle your theme camps, and leave.
And what will be waiting for you in the civilized world just a few miles away? Well, clean toilets, for one. Do you remember the smell of a freshly sanitized toilet? One that's been scrubbed with, say, a pine-scented disinfectant? It smells just like Christmas. Why, sometimes a clean toilet is so comfortable and pleasing to the senses that you'll sit on it for hours, perhaps reading informative periodicals like "Time" or "Interview." Try that in a toilet here at Burning Man. You'll pass out from the stink!
And as for "Time" magazine, good luck in finding up-to-date national or international news around here. How out of touch are you? Well, let me share with you some headlines from this morning's New York Times. Ahem. "Robot Computers Mate, Produce Offspring: Humanity Rendered Irrelevant." "Mankind Prepares for Robot Computer Attack." "Global Fascist Dictatorship Established by Robot Computers." And here at the bottom it says, "Monica Lewinsky Goes to Movies, Sees 'Blade.'"
Yes, the world seems to be approaching its demise. Will you meet the apocalypse grunting out last night's undercooked pork and beans in a Burning Man port-a-john, or sitting proud atop a sparkling clean porcelain throne? Think about it. I know you'll do the right thing. This has been Tokyo Rico...with a transmission...
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THIRD BROADCAST 9/5/98 (DURING the sand/rain storm)
Good day. This is Tokyo Rico. Now do you understand? You come here to worship and enjoy nature, and what does it do? It turns on you. Nature doesn't want your worship. Nature wants to punish. It wants to pimp slap you and then wet your punk ass with its nine. But it's not too late. Even in the onslaught of wind, sand, lightning and rain, you can break down your camps and return to your dry homes, there to dine on delectable foods of your choosing. And afterwards you could lean back in your clean, crisply made bed and masturbate yourself into warm slumber. Or you can remain here and let nature bury you without dignity. Think about it. I know you'll do the right thing. This has been Tokyo Rico...with a transmission...
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FOURTH BROADCAST 9/6/98
Good day. This is Tokyo Rico, and I'm here with good news. You still have time to dismantle your camps and leave Burning Man before the U.S. Army sweeps across the playa, randomly slaying any living thing that moves.
Oh, haven't you heard? It's true. Already, massive battalions of infantry are assembling in Reno, preparing for the assualt. In Gerlach, a state of martial law has been declared. Armored convoys bearing heavy artillery have backed up traffic from here to Bishop, California. Why, I don't believe there has ever been as enormous a mobilization as this directed at a totally helpless and unarmed civilian population.
Now I ask you: why face inevitable massacre when you could simply leave Burning Man? Go home now. For your own sake. Think about your relatives: the ones you keep meaning to write or call, but whom you never quite end up contacting. Well, when you're lying dead in the dust with a government-issue seven-six-two millimeter slug in your chest, I'm afraid the chances of ever having a heart-to-heart with your long last Aunt or Uncle Doe are severly diminished. Keep meaning to spend time with your kids? BANG! Time's up.
It doesn't have to be this way. You can leave. You can go back to your comfortable home, your favorite pair of slippers, your friendly neighborhood bar -- the one where the barmaids call you "sweetie" and always know your poison -- and your closetful of porn.
Don't wait till after The Man burns to make your escape. By then, the attack orders will have been issued, and you'll scarcely know the difference between burning art and the burning bodies of your camp mates. Imagine the chaos. I know you'll do the right thing. This has been Tokyo Rico...with a transmission...
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FIFTH BROADCAST 9/7/98 (during the traffic jam as 15,000 people tried to leave the festival at once)
Good day. This is Tokyo Rico, and although I'm maintaining a calm outward demeanor, inside I am laughing at all of you. Deep, powerful, shuddering laughter.
For days now, I have been telling you to abandon Burning Man. And for days my entreaties have fallen upon deaf ears. Now all you want to do is leave, and yet you must remain. Trapped. Just a few hours away lie your beloved family, your friends, your workmates. They expect you home soon. Your boss has an important memo that you need to see right away. Your boyfriend will cheat on you if he has to wait much longer for sex. Your lonely Grandma needs your comfort and support, and the only thing keeping her sane right now is knowing you're on your way home.
But you're not on your way home. You're sitting in a car in the desert, feeling the heat boil your flesh, and wondering why you decided to pack your remaining water bottles way the hell at the back of that U-haul trailer. Your experimental community is gone. There is no more Black Rock City. There is only dust and mud.
Aren't you angry? Don't you just feel like you're going crazy? Civilization is literally within sight, yet you are helpless to reach it. Look in your rearview mirror. Look at your eyes. Those are the eyes of a lunatic. I hope you're happy. This has been Tokyo Rico...with a transmission...
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SIXTH BROADCAST 1/1/99 (at the New Year's Gathering hosted by "Jet Fuel" McGlener in the cold hills surrounding Castaic Lake)
Hello. This is Tokyo Rico. And I'm here to tell you to abandon Jet Fuel's home.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "This is the kickingest party on Earth. I am really getting jiggy with these wicked phat beats. I'm not leaving now."
What you don't understand is that you are all slowly dying. Let me ask you -- how cold do you think it is out here? 30 degrees? 25 degrees? Twenty? If you guessed any of these, well, I'm afraid that's the booze talking. Because right now it is a whopping two hundred and ninety seven degrees below zero. And that's not counting windchill. With windchill, it's now cold enough at Jet Fuel's not only to shrivel the most hairy and well-sheathed of testicles, but to actually destroy the delicate sperm housed within.
The human body was not meant to withstand such torturous cold. That is why, whether you know it or not, you are right now in danger of losing one or more of your limbs. Ooh, what's that tingling in your left foot? Could just be an itch. Or it could be the last living nerve in that extremity feebly trying to warn you that it, too, is about to die. And -- oh! What's that numbness in your nose? A simple by-product of the massive dose of hallucinogens you've sent stampeding through your bloodstream? Or the beginning of the end of your modeling career? Don't touch your nose to find out -- it might come right off in your hand! That's a real possibility right now! What have you gotten yourself into?!
It's all right. You're not dead yet. What you all need to do right now is leave Jet Fuel's house. Go home. It's easy. Just pack up your things, load them into your vehicles and drive away. In a few short hours you could be back in your homes enjoying a steaming hot mug of cocoa, or relaxing in a warm bath, or perhaps taking in your favorite pornographic film on the Spice channel, then snuggling with your lover beneath layers and layers of soft quilts, there to give and recieve carnal pleasures in total comfort. Hey, you know you're horny right now. But how are you going to consummate your passion with that drunk chick from Oregon when, in this environment, the simple act of baring your genitals could result in quick and permanent skin damage? Oh, I have no doubt you'll try. But you'll fail. You'll fail or disfigure yourself trying.
It doesn't have to be this way. The Spice channel porn stars are running your bath right now. They've stocked the cabinets with cocoa, condoms and lubricant in lusty anticipation of your return home. Don't disappoint them. I know you'll do the right thing. This has been Tokyo Rico...with a transmission...
