Now, I have no idea where Leng is but I suppose it is somewhere in Asia.. I have known a number of ex-Vietnam and navy types who have come back with an Asian wife and they all swore by them; they praised them for their cleanliness, obedience, and willingness in bed, you know, so imagine my trepidation when UPS showed up with thirteen LARGE crates all addressed to Muff-Muff (I had been told that was her name), followed by a letter from her telling me she was arriving soon and for me NOT, under ANY circumstance, to open those crates.. I figured that it had to do something with their marriage customs, maybe the girl gets to keep all her stuff with her, I don't know.

I could not resist my curiosity, however, and did pry one crate open it held a lead box with no apparent means of opening, it appeared to be a single, solid, cube of lead, but knocking on it indicated to me that it was hollow, to my further surprise, I felt a tremor inside it, as if something were moving in there, maybe she sent her cats along, girls always like to keep cats. I hate cats, but I guess I will adjust..

As you can imagine, I could not fit all these crates inside the house and I have been keeping them on the driveway, some funny things have started occurring here at night, noises and such, plus a number of alarms have gone off in the neighborhood, and the toddler across the street is still missing, frankly, I am beginning to get second thoughts..

The agency did show me a picture of Muff Muff but it is a portrait and only shows her face, I am intrigued as to how her body looks, you know, but with all these weird things occurring I am no longer sure I want to carry this through, the place where I contracted for her is now boarded up and deserted, has anyone else had an experience with a wife from Leng?

Has anyone ever been there?
Will she bring over all her relatives?
Will I have problems naturalizing her?
Are there any customs I must be on the look out for?
Is the food in Leng too spicy?

Maybe if she turns out to be a good housekeeper/wife/cook everything will be worth it. I realize that some of you feminist types are probably offended by my characterization of her role in the above terms but the agency emphatically assured me that the females from Leng thrived in those roles. I think that for 19.95 (shipping and handling included) she could turn out to be a real bargain..

I received some advice early on....

'I've heard of people going to Leng but never coming back. It is entirely possible that they don't like uninvited guests. However, I would think that if you went with your wife, or any other Leng native, you might be able to visit for a bit. Although she is unlikely to bring her relatives with her, be advised that they will drop-in from time to time, usually without warning, and will expect good accommodations. I'd suggest and extra-dimensional guest room, and perhaps a few Hounds of Tindalos to keep them from showing up late at night. Government bureaucracy being what it is, if you fill out the proper forms in triplicate you should have no problems naturalising her. You'll see. Be sure to use plenty of lubricant. I'd suggest astro-spacial-gel, but make sure it isn't fluorine based. The food isn't especially spicy, but it tends to be rather acidic. Although it takes some getting used, adding another stomach helps, she should turn out fine. But, at 19.95, you get what you pay for. I heard they normally run around 27.50 Sothian dollars, which is roughly 1906.66 US dollars. You may not be getting the real things. Good luck, and may you have many long years together. Permit me to set your mind at ease. Your friends from the Army are correct - you will be soon as happy and contented as are they.'

'I also saw an advertisement for brides from Leng, that cold plateau that breed passionate and caring woman. I wrote too and received many wonderful crates as did you. My bride arrived soon and we have been happy since. I have been unwell, as you all know, but I would say that I well now so you must not worry. I am^H^H^H^H She has settled well and there are no truths about nightmares. Martin^H^H^H^H^H^H I am very happy man now and looking forward to wild parties here in London.'

'Well, Leng wom.. er.. female beings are all right if you're able to satisfy them. Whether you satisfy her as sexual partner or meal it's up to you. I'd advise you, however, against looking to her entire body with the naked eye.. some 'parts' would drive you crazy. No, I don't mean that, I mean truly asylum nuts dweller.'

'Do you have tentacles? They could come 'in handy' ;)'

"This tastes like shit!" I screamed in disgust. It was too much. For the third week in a row Muff Muff had been feeding me a glowing, purplish, goo with all manner of stuff floating in it. Normally, I had been tolerant and patient. I always thought that she was rather young for an old fart like me and maybe that was why her cooking sucked. I really could not help it; my stomach revolted.

"Its.. octopus! Octopus! Eat it!" she answered indignantly. "Healthy!"

" PHEEWWW! Its disgusting!" I said as I got up from the table. One of the tentacles waved at me from my plate. I almost vomited.

"You.. don't like it?" She was hurt.

"Sorry. And furthermore, you really should clean around here. There is some evil smell all over the house. I mean, the neighbors complained, until they all moved out, that is."

"I know. The city inspector still comes by when you are not around."

Hmm. I did not like that. The city inspector was a young punk with a perpetual smirk on his face. She must have known what I was thinking. I swear! This woman can read my mind!

"Its not like that!" she hastened to add. "You only man Muff Muff like."

I knew her tricks by now. She would try the pidgin English routine and become the coy, demure damsel.

"This is shit!" I said as I threw the dish into the overflowing thrash bin. Muff Muff did not believe in hygiene.

"Look, I will cook something else, fit for huma--..fit for you. Besides, mother is coming next week from Leng and she knows all about cooking."

"Your mother is coming! NO WAY JOSE! I already have to put up with that weird brother of yours, always chanting about some damn sunken city! I still owe the plumber for the scare he got when he tried to unclog your brother's bathroom! Your fucking brother had something alive he was feeding in the toilet! Yuck!"

"Goldfish! Its his hobby! He needs one!"

"The son of a bitch needs a job! That's what he needs! HE TAPES GERALDO AND WATCHES IT AROUND THE CLOCK!"

"You don't love me anymore!" And she started sobbing.

"There is only so much a guy can take! And what the fuck is that thing you have in the bloody basement!??"

"Its my cat!"

"Bullshit! No cat ever looked like that!"

"You have seen it?" Her eyes opened wide.

"Only outlines! Whatever it is, I WANT IT OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

You get the idea. This had gone on for weeks. Finally, I could take it no more. My finances were shot, what with that crazy woman and the rest of her family living high off the hog with my money and ordering all sorts of arcane stuff. Why in God's name did I have to eke out $500 for some damned book written in Arabic?!! So I moved out one day. It was no sweat. All my stuff had been pawned by her brother anyways and I only had one good shirt left. As I left, Muff Muff glared at me. My mother in law, Poof Poof, leered, revealing a rather pointed set of canines and a bright purple tongue. I smiled at old harpy, knowing that I had mixed rat poison into the doggy biscuits she was feeding that THING in the basement. As I left, I picked one of the green star shaped soapstones that were now covering my driveway (Muff Muff's idea of landscaping) and threw it at my brother in law's old Chevy. I had the satisfaction of hearing glass break.

I missed Muff Muff for a while. I mean, sex with her was good, no doubt about that. She did like to do the crazy incantation thing before making love, but hey! Funny, she was into really, really kinky stuff.. Like, the time she asked me to fist her, which I did. I swear, I just kept on going. Like, the woman was infinite. In fact, I thought I felt a cool breeze in my hand. Whatever else happened, I can't remember. I was too drunk that night. There were some weird teethmarks on my arm the next morning, sort of like the ones I had notice on my chocho. Oh, I won't go into more details. You all are perfect strangers, so why am I telling you our intimacies? Oh, screw you, keep on reading.

It was reluctantly that I made my way to the court. My buddy, Schlomo Rubinstein, was my lawyer. He actually wasn't Jewish but changed his name and got circumcised when he married the daughter of one of the partners in his firm. Truly, Schlomo needed all the help he could get. He had, in fact, a perfect record, batting zero and never having won a case. If he had not married that girl he would not have a job and would be selling porno mags, which was how he payed his way through law school. Anyway, Schlomo was doing it for free, pro bono, which was OK cause I was broke and besides that was the only way he could get someone to take him on as their defendant.

"Remember, Pomponio, keep a serious demeanor at all times," said Schlomo as he shuffled his papers. I noticed he had stashed one of his porno mags to read when the court proceedings got slow. "Judge Delgado is rather straight laced."

"Whatever you say, Schlomo. Have you defended a case in front of this judge before?"

"Let's not get into that right now," retorted Scholomo rather nervously. "Let it suffice that I don't think this judge likes me."

"Ohmigod!" I said resignedly.

Muff Muff was there, dressed to the nines in black latex, moko facial tattoo, septum ring, and Mickey Mouse hat. Damn, the girl looked great and my chocho stirred when I saw her. One thing is true. Muff Muff's beauty was almost... unnatural. I heard a hissing and saw her mother, Poof Poof, next to her, looking like Jabba the Hutt's sister (the ugly one). How that thing could have given birth to Muff Muff I will never know. To my surprise, I noticed that all thirteen of her brothers were also there. I knew they were her brothers cause they all looked like OddJob on steroids and were exactly identical.

"I guess the immigration quota for Leng has been increased or these are all illegal aliens!" I said to Poof Poof pointing at the thirteen ugly clones dressed in ill-fitting matching suits.

"Fuck you!" snarled Poof Poof back. The brothers just grunted; I don't think they were big on vocabulary.

"Watch it, Pomponio!" murmured my lawyer nervously.

"Shit, Schlomo, who is their lawyer?"

"Beats me!" said Schlomo shaking his head. "I think its that.. woman.. with a chador (Islamic face veil) sitting next to them. Boy, is she huge! Must be from some out of town firm."

"Maybe this will be the day you actually win one! She must be so ugly that she has to cover her face. Imagine if you were up against a good looking chic!"

Schlomo took a swig from his hip flask and ignored my barb. "Miracles happen. Now, we are going to stick to the mental cruelty line, right?"

"Yes. She turned my life into hell, etc."

"All rise!" cried the bailiff. Judge Delgado, a heavy set hispanic man puffed his way slowly into the chambers and sat himself on a protesting chair.

"In the matter of Muff Muff vs. Pomponio, I have read carefully through the pre-trial motions of both parties.."

I held my breath. Schlomo subrepticiously took another swig from his hip flask. What followed was a disaster.

"..the motion to deport Ms. Muff Muff is hereby denied and Mr. Pomponio's lawyer is admonished that this is not a federal court and therefore not in our power to even consider.."

"..the fact that Ms. Muff Muff posed for those pictures is not to be considered relevant and I must point out the highly artistic, tasteful, nature of the.."

"..in my opinion, the recipe provided for the marinated octopus is not evidence of mental cruelty but in fact a creative culinary endeavor which this court heartily endorses and.."

"..keeping and raising an endangered species like a.. shoggoth.. only shows that Ms. Muff Muff is a kind hearted person and.."

"..which can only be misconstrued as an attempt to vilify the good name of a friendly country, Leng, one whose coffers have always been open to support electoral campaigns at all levels of the judiciary and.."

"..the required reading of these, admittedly expensive and rare, manuscripts in no way should have imposed undue hardship on Mr. Pomponio, and, in fact, should be interpreted as a golden opportunity to learn a new language, ancient Arabic, which.."

This went on for an hour or so. Schlomo's supposedly brilliant pre-trial motions all blew sky high. Meanwhile Schlomo was now unashamedly taking swigs from his hip flask.

"Your Honor (hic!), if it pleases the court.."

"You are in contempt, Mr. Rubinstein."

Muff Muff's lawyer took that as her cue. This grotesque huge thing with the face veil paced in front of the judge and started waving her hands energetically. My lawyer, meanwhile, had collapsed dead drunk under the table. A rivulet of pee formed a pool around him.

"Ftrrhgh! Errrwerwer ne iichrr! Ngrr oomwrw af uckrrmn!"

"I see," said Judge Delgado benignly. "Please continue."

"Kreeeghufm! Brokth'le nghiaat!"

This went on for another hour. Muff Muff gave me an icy smile. Her mother was making the point of making sure I could see her eating the doggy biscuits I had prepared. She was unscathed, obviously, and maybe the thing in the basement was too.

Delgado's judgment was delivered with a sharp gavel stroke and his crying "Cthulhu F'tghan!" as if that was sufficient to end the proceedings. In the end, I think I got off lightly. 120% of all my earnings for the rest of my natural life will go to Muff Muff. I also get to sign letters for the INS sponsoring her brothers so that they don't get deported. And I had to pay $120 for the windshield I broke in my brother in law's Chevy. Finally, I also got to pay all court costs. The good news is that Schlomo was so drunk that the poor man believed me when I told him later that he had won and his confidence went up. Also, I got to keep the pictures Muff Muff had posed for without my knowing, the ones that Judge Delgado called "artistic and in good taste". I will post them in alt.binaries.pictures.bestiality. There are very few pictures of girls making love to shoggoths. I am sure the reviews will be good..