1 - How do I get Started?

Before commencing ANY activity, you will first have to get your hands on a Shoggoth. While this is far from easy, it is not impossible. The resourceful amorous adventurer has usually taken one of three routes.

1) They find a nice cute shoggoth stray who needs a good home.
2) They order from a reputable pet store, like Mythos Pets Inc. or Lucifuge Heavy Industries.
3) They Summon them and Bind them to their will.

The third option is the most common and least expensive on the pocketbook. To summon a shoggoth one first needs an entirely enclosed room without heat or light, windows or open doors. It is important that the room be built from stone, or a material with a crystallized compound structure, such as ice or glass. Then, using a mixture of volcanic ash chalk with salt base, draw a septagram (seven pointed star) contained within a circle. Once this is accomplished, the summoner should perform the rite he feels must comfortable with as there are many to chose from. There are those which are more physical in their demands (such as the ritual of summoning contained in De Vermis Mysteriis) or are more 'spiritual' in their necessary discipline (such as that contained in Wenn's True Magik). Which ever is right for you, conduct your ritual and remember to direct your attention and efforts toward the center of the septagram. Eventually, the shoggoth should appear through a gateway created through your efforts. Once this occurs, it is important to immediately begin the process of Binding the shoggoth. Failure to do so leads to the unnecessary death of many each year. To Bind a shoggoth, simply make with your hands the Sign of the Old Ones and then, displaying an amulet engraved with the Elder Sign, order the shoggoth to remain. Then repeat the phrase, "Ka'inlan Ph'lue nagati. Ia! Ia! Tekk-lague!" At this point the shoggoth should be under a MINOR Binding spell. A serious summoner should prepare to conduct the ordinary two-hour Binding spell as soon as possible. The minor spell is only to allow the practitioner enough time to assemble the components of the major spell as well as allow some time to rest from the earlier summoning.

Now that you have your shoggoth and either you or a reputable dealer has taken the steps to Bind it. (Though to be honest, there is no such thing as a completely bound shoggoth.) You are ready to start the next phase. Most Mythos scholars who have lived long enough to study shoggoth anatomy have discovered that the Binding spell produces within the shoggoth some type of bio-chemical change. This has been referred to as a shoggoth's "heat" by those in circles where sexual activities with these entities are a common practice. The bound shoggoth normally comes on its first "heat" between the time of nine and fifteen days after the original summoning. Attempting intercourse with it at this time is not recommended since these changes in its biochemistry are confusing enough without having you trying to do weird things to it. I would strongly suggest waiting until its second heat, normally between 20 and 28 days after the binding, if all appears normal. During these "heat"s the shoggoth is most likely to allow you some playtime with it. They run on a cycle of a three days for every ten days. So make sure you KNOW the cycle. Too often the over-eager shoggoth lover has made a critical error and ends up simply a grease spot on the basement floor for the next of kin to clean up and wonder about.

2 - How do I know what Shoggoth is right for me?

When it comes to size, the rule of thumb is that a shoggoth able to devour a dog the size of your average German Shepherd is large enough to comfortably accommodate your average sized human's sensual needs. However, this is not always true. I will go into further detail about signs of discomfort and warning signs later. Also keep in mind the relative intelligence of your shoggoth. Some of these protoplasmic entities are rather intelligent and could easily turn on you. The best way to determine how bright your shoggoth is would be to place a blanket over the entire shoggoth. If it accepts this change to the environment for at least 10 mins, your shoggoth is just right for some hot lovin'. If it, however, asks you to take the blanket of it or face its unholy wrath, then it might be time to return the shoggoth where you got it from.

3 - What should I do to Prepare?

In preparing to have sex with a shoggoth, you'll need to run down to the local drug store, occultic supply store, and a quick trip to the local Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.

1) Pick up several bottles of anti-bacterial soap. This is extremely useful to have around for before and after sessions to "clean-up". Some bacteria have been known to throw a shoggoth into a feeding frenzy or sometimes even just a slothful state. Again, this has something to do with the Binding spell's effect on the creature. In any case, wash completely with anti-bacterial soap before to avoid any 'complications'. It is a both healthy and considerate for your shoggoth.

Do NOT use scented brands! Some chemicals used in such soap can easily affect the shoggoth's bio-chemistry.

2) A latex rubber suit. If you're going to be messing around with a stray shoggoth or a shoggoth you do not own, it doesn't hurt to rubber up! You can get infections or a fever from simply 'diving in'' to areas where angels fear to tread. While it may be exciting, keep in mind that some shoggoths have been living in the oceans for several millions of years. Without knowing your shoggoth you risk more than mind-numbing sanity loss, you risk catching a nasty cold!

Also, if sharing a shoggoth with another person. A rubber suit will protect you from Sexually Transmitted Diseases. Although shoggoths do not carry AIDS, it has been theorized that the virus could survive long enough inside a shoggoth's fold, orifice, etc long enough for you to contract it, or anything else, if you have sex with it immediately after an infected person.

3) Nail clippers. Your nails could carry dirt on them or scratch the delicate shapeless congerie of protoplasmic skin of your shoggoth. Cut them nails down and file them. You'll also look stunning with your new manicure :)

4)Volcanic ash chalk with salt base. As mentioned in the first section of this Guide, a magickally charged enclosure drawn with this type of chalk will outline the boundaries of your shoggoth-love nest. Nothing is more disturbing than to regain consciousness after your tryst in a different room than you started. Especially when that room is located in the house of your now-mysteriously disappeared neighbor. Take precautions, draw your borders!!

5) Lastly, an Elder Sign. You just never know what can happen. Though many shoggothian lovers find the thrill of having sex without an Elder Sign on hand to be quite worth the danger.

4 - Ok, now that I am ready, What do I do?

Once you've got your shoggoth and your supplies, it's time to get to work. I do not suggest attempting sex with a shoggoth who isn't in "heat", especially if its is not your shoggoth. You may wind up getting eaten, which may mean leaving behind some saddened relatives. A shoggoth in "heat " is your best bet, but just because it is wet and smells nice doesn't mean that it is 'in the mood.'

How can you tell if your shoggoth is in the mood? Check the discharge. Shoggoths who are under a Binding spell are undergoing a change to their bio-chemistry. This change tends to release a discharge when the chemical cycle returns to the shoggoth's most manipulative state. The discharge should be pinkish / creamy white. This cycle lasts for between seven and nine days and is in the middle of the complete "heat " cycle.

If the discharge is of a darker hue, its just coming into or going out of heat. It never hurts to try but DO NOT force it. Many of those who attend the bi-annual Alt.Sex.Cthulhu Fun Fairs at the Necronomi-Con who have missing limbs can attest to the danger of these "fragile times ". Shoggoths may say no the first time. They are known to tease and may jump forward or fall over in front of you. However, if it reacts hostility to you, STOP IMMEDIATELY. Try another casting of a binding spell. Sometimes shoggoths are powerful enough to resist weak spells up to a point. Of course this point happens to be just far enough to prevent you from having a good time. Too many Binding spells can never hurt.

Definite signs that a shoggoth is receptive are: Flagging--raising a pseudopod and waving it in excitement. Soliciting--rubbing various sexual "objects d'art" formed from its tentacles in your crotch, placing them before your mouth, etcetera. And Playfulness--being excessively playful, jubilant, etcetera.

Once you're both consenting, you may consider some foreplay. Stroking and molding the shoggoth's bubbling form will bring you both hours of joy and amusement The shoggoth's "clitoris " is located about 3/4-1 " (in large breeds) within the center of its entire substance. The "clitoris " is not really a clitoral ridge as much as it is a sensitive spot on the shoggoth were it feels most vulnerable, somewhat comparable to the human solar plexus. Rubbing this area gently will cause the shoggoth to start thrusting and it will love you for every moment of it. If it's your shoggoth or if you're certain it is healthy, you may want to engage in some 'shoggylingus.' Most shoggoths have a bitter-sweet taste within their many "openings " when sexually stimulated and I definitely recommend the aroma.

With all teasing done, it's time to start your engines! The shoggoth will have easily figured out what you are up to by now. Take your hands and gently caress two folds of the shoggoth's protoplasm into an 'artificial' vagina. Be prepared to enter the shoggoth from different angles, sometimes while in the middle of a thrust. The shifting interior of the "vagina " will make the entire work up to this point well worth the wait. The "vagina " is a wet sucking opening that will make the phrase "Just as to a flame flies the moth, so too I fly to my shoggoth! " seem like more than just bad poetry. The average body temperature of a shoggoth is 101-102 degrees Fahrenheit so expect it to be very hot and moist. I don't believe I need to tell you what to do from here (grin). Enjoy!

5 - How about Anal Sex with my Shoggoth?

Every shoggoth has an anus. Very few enjoy anal sex, but if you are a thrill seeker, there is little to compare to anal sex with a shoggoth that is trying to tear your head off at the same time. Start by touching the anal area of your shoggoth and let them get comfortable with it. This anal area is almost always placed under the shoggoths body, tucked in behind hundreds of folds of the shoggoth's body. During foreplay, the shoggoth will sometimes allow itself to be molded and formed by you. It is during this time you can look for a semi-hard circular opening on the bottom of the shoggoth. Once you find this do not dive right in and insert anything. Wait until they freely allow you to touch it. Be patient. While touching around this area, wear gloves. Numerous worms and bacteria which can cause a variety of illnesses can be found in shoggoth feces. And who knows what else. NEVER MAKE ORAL CONTACT WITH A SHOGGOTH'S ANUS. The result could be a nasty infection or a case of tape, ring, or hookworms, among others. Once your shoggoth is comfortable with you feeling around its anus, try inserting a VERY well lubricated, gloved finger. Do this over and over again until your shoggoth seems comfortable with it. If your shoggoth seems to be in pain or react violently, STOP and DON'T try again. Assuming you survive the experience. If they allow you, gradually increase the number of gloved, well lubricated fingers you use until the number of fingers inserted comfortably represents the width of your penis. You may then attempt anal intercourse with your shoggoth. Good Luck. None has survived, I sincerely hope you are the first.

Remember:
1.) Not every shoggoth enjoys anal sex. The majority do not. Heck, only rumors and here say testify to these anal sex loving shoggoths. Keep that in mind.
2.) Always rubber up and never have oral contact with the anus and....
3.) STOP IMMEDIATELY if your shoggoth shows signs of pain or discomfort. Be happy your shoggoth gave you warning before it simply removed your interior organs.

6 - What about being on the receiving end of anal sex with a shoggoth?

Most shoggoths are more than happy to mount you and engage in anal stimulation. There are dangers to being mounted by a shoggoth besides the mind wrenching experience of shoggothian wooing though.

First, one must understand the anatomy of the shoggoth. For a shoggoth, there is no such thing as a permanent specialized body part. A shoggoth is constantly changing and metamorphing itself and this also applies to its "sexual " organs. A shoggoth's "penis " is obviously unlike that of a normally evolved creature. The appearance, texture and sensitivity are much different. When a "penis " is constructed, it will take on the shape of being blunt with a slight angle. This is a result of this shape being easier and more natural for the shoggoth to maintain and control. It typically swells to it's greatest shaft width along the first 2/5 then gradually tapers until you reach the bulb at the base. The bulb, is a large swelling at the base of the "penis " which the shoggoth creates to allow for more concentration of will power into that pseudopod. The base is a convergence of nerve fibers and specializing muscles. When engaging in anal intercourse with your shoggoth, the bulb is your main concern. If you allow a shoggoth to mount you there is a definite chance that you may tie with it--that the bulb, in the excitement of your play, will swell inside of you and keep you two stuck together. If you do not prepare yourself, you could be in for fifteen to thirty minutes of agony. Start loosening yourself up using whatever you can fit up your anus. Graduated dildos work very well and are available at most adult stores. Wait until you are comfortable with at least a three inch circumference before taking on a shoggoth. To get a shoggoth to mount you, grasp its body gently and start to mold the "penis " . You will know if your efforts are successful if it begins to create a shaft and also forms the bulb near the area the shaft protrudes from. Then start rubbing the base of it, near its bulb. The bulb, being such a concentration of nerves, should start to excite the shoggoth and it should, at that time, start thrusting. Some shoggoths will try and mount you right then and there. Remember, if it's the shoggoth's first time, it will need some guidance. Even some old pro's need guidance. Once you've got him to mount you, attempt to guide his penis into you. Once inside of you, you can leave most of what's left up to it. Keep in mind that a shoggoth will never "finish " and naturally, this is all part of the fun. If it swells the bulb and is stuck with you it is imperative it NOT pull out of you until you calm it down some. Speak soothing words, caress other parts of the shoggoth until it starts getting softer. Otherwise, you may have one hell of a story to tell at the Emergency Room! If it starts trying to pull out or panics, you will not survive. Just be happy you had a chance to experience what few people do.

7 - What about vaginal sex with shoggoths?

Those females who have spoken up about vaginal sex with shoggoths have both said volumes of praise about their inhuman companions and stated having little to no problems accommodating the bulb. And the best part is that a shoggoth can go hours and hours and hours and ....

4 - Can a shoggoth perform oral sex on me?

Some shoggoths are natural born lickers and will lick anything and keep licking until whatever their licking is raw. Others will lick once and then begin to chew with their razor sharp teeth in earnest. Once again, shoggoths as individuals will each act differently in different situations. The best way to find out how your shoggoth will react is to let a buddy or helpless animal try it out first. If he or she survives and the shoggoth doesn't mind limiting itself to washing a body with its slime and other liquid excretions then rejoice. If your shoggoth is not too enthusiastic about licking, but instead simply eats the "test buddy " then you may either have to get a new shoggoth or try to train your shoggoth to eat only some things and not others. This latter course is lengthy and difficult, but will bring you and your shoggoth into a closer relationship. Both males and females alike have testified to the pleasures to be derived from oral sex with shoggoths.

5 - Can I give oral sex to my shoggoth?

A shoggoth's "penis " can sometimes be very sensitive so be careful when handling it. Thickness will usually determine sensitivity. To get a shoggoth aroused, use the same process as described above. Grasp its body gently and start to mold the "penis " . You will know if your efforts are successful if it begins to create a shaft and also forms the bulb near the area the shaft protrudes from. Then start rubbing the base of it, near its bulb. The bulb, being such a concentration of nerves, should start to excite the shoggoth and it should, at that time, start thrusting. When thrusting, you can either take the shoggoth's "penis " into your mouth or continue to rub the bulb. You must be very careful if you choose to take the shoggoth's "penis " into your mouth, a pseudopod can quickly change shape into a sucking mouth and eat your tongue or simply stretch itself all the way into your stomach or your sinus cavity causing brain damage. Performing oral sex on a shoggoth should only be done by those experienced enough to trust their shoggoth.

Merry Matings!