The message in the community is clear: If there
is violence in your home, your family is doomed. If anyone finds out,
you'll be ripped apart from one another and you'll never be a family
again.
No wonder domestic violence is underreported.
If he hit you once he'll hit you again, and there's no end to it, right? Well, yes and no. Without help, there's unlikely to be an end to it. With help there's every chance your family can heal and move forward together intact.
Consider what might happen if we changed the message to this: "If there's violence in your home, there is help. Yes, you might have to live apart for a time, but if you're willing to work at it, your family can learn to live peacefully in a home free of fear." It seems to me people might be more willing to report violence and seek help if they knew it wouldn't have to mean the end of their family.
There's a problem with this new message, though. The needed help is hard to get. Help is abundant for those who are both savvy enough to find a therapist who knows how to deal with the specific problem, and who have the money to pay for therapy. What about the rest?
In my area (Sacramento, California) there is an organization called WEAVE (Women Escaping A Violent Environment). Some years ago, when a family I know suddenly found themselves dealing with domestic violence, the wife was absolutely clear. If it ever happened again, the husband would have to move out. Further, in order to remain in their home, he had to see a doctor to establish whether there was a medical condition contributing to the problem and also call WEAVE to see about counselling for men.
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't an easy thing for her to say. She adores her husband. She certainly didn't want a divorce. She didn't want him to move out. But the physical violence (in this case directed at a child) was unacceptable and defending the child and, potentially, herself was paramount. It took all her strength, but she said it, and she meant it.
This family had the great good fortune of timing, because WEAVE did have a men's program in place. The husband, whose love for his family was greater than his fear of facing his issues, thrived in the program. He even participated on panels to train new therapists and counsel young offenders. Sadly, when funding fell short, WEAVE cut the men's program.
This husband continues his treatment in private group therapy and there hasn't been another incident. Also significantly, the husband was indeed diagnosed with a medical problem stemming from brain trauma suffered in an accident in his youth. That, combined with severe domestic violence in his own family of origin, set him up for his own violent behavior.
Was it inevitable that he would act out at some point? Perhaps. Does that mean he can't be part of a successful family? Apparently not. This family got the help they needed. With continued counselling and medical monitoring, this husband continues to confront issues, but he's not alone with them. His loving family and caring friends are with him on the journey. This family not only continues to thrive, but their love and devotion has deepened through the process. This couple has also provided an excellent role model for their children. It is highly likely that a generations old cycle of abuse has now been stopped.
Please don't misunderstand me. I know some families are beyond repair, and that the best anyone can do is to get the victims to safety and help them rebuild their lives without the offender. Some offenders belong in prison -- perhaps for life. But not all violent offenders are beyond hope. Not all families dealing with violence are doomed. A community that professes to hold "family values" in high regard should be looking at this closely.
Still, without adequate community resources to help families facing violence, incidents will go unreported until matters escalate beyond repair. Families will be permanently torn apart, victims will die and, perhaps worst of all, children will continue to learn what they live -- fear and violence -- and the cycle will continue.
Prisons are full of
people who didn't have the benefit of early intervention. Intervention
costs money, but my guess is that prisons cost even more. I know what
I'd rather spend my tax money on. How about you? Write your
representatives.