by Boddhisatva Troutwaxer (tungtung@pacbell.net)
I went to the New Age Expo, and the first thing I noticed was the woman with the pyramid on her head. Somewhere else this would have excited comment, but at this place, at this time, it does not. I presume she wears the pyramid on her head all the time, and I presume that she's happy because I presume that every one here knows why she's wearing a pyramid on her head and no-one here is coming up to her and asking "Hey babe, why are you wearing a pyramid on top of your head."
The range of possible answers to this question is enormous:
It makes me feel good
My spirit guide says so
It keeps me from getting old
Its a link to the cosmic forces
It energizes my crown chakra
It keeps me in contact with the aliens
Its pretty
But the voices inside my head tell me that there would only be one acceptable answer:
Because ""Bob" told me to!!"And I'm pretty sure this pink bitch wouldn't know "Bob" from Robert.
Sixty percent of the booths are selling cosmetics, and some of them don't even know why. One lady tells me that the herbs in each of the twelve different cosmetics she sells are chosen for a particular sign of the zodiac
"How," I wonder, "did you figure out theat witch hazel goes with Sagitarius?"
She doesn't know, but the astrologers back at the company headquarters could tell me. "They," she informs me with some pride, "figured it out." But there is also something in her voice that tells me I really wasn't supposed to ask. Apparently if you don't assume that the sellers are enlightened you're showing a lack of courtesy.
Everyone else, it seems, is selling something made from some kind of algae.
You need more enzymes.
If you eat my food exclusively you'll get thin.
These biscuts will make you enlightened.
Tibetian gurus drink this its made from yak bones.
The next booth over sells an obviously superior product made from guru bones. The box shows a happy Yak.
But the voices in my head tell me that there is only one thing you can eat that grants enlightenment and clears your bowels. They're referring, of course, to the still beating heart of J.R. "Bob" Dobbs. He's also good chopped up and served as steak with a nice red wine. If you kill Connie, make sure you serve her with a white wine, after all, as a member of the Marsh family, she counts as fish!!
Some guy over in the corner is playing a guitar and singing a song about his girlfriend, who eats only white foods, dresses in only white, and lives in a white house with white walls, white carpet and white appliances powered by white quartz crystals while channeling an ancient shaman, who is, I believe, white. Finally, with three climactic chords, he informs us that this woman makes his heart chakra spin faster.
The voices in my head tell me I should have brought a boom box loaded and ready to blast some Doktor musik at assholes like him.
"What you do, you see is put this candle in your ear. Now you'll notice that this candle is hollow. That's so it will draw from the vacuum created by the fire on top. It pulls all the bad stuff out from your ears and into the body of the candle. This sucking action, besides removing earwax, also remove molds, fungi, and bad chemicals. Ear Candling is a technique over 2500 years old and it is shown on Ancient Egyptian papyruses, but it is also known to have been used by the Mayans."
"Unlike the other candles for sale here, our candles were designed by an engineer for more powerful sucking action."
The voices in my head ask me if I would rather pay $18.00 for a set of ear candles, or if I would rather send "Bob" thirty dollars, get the ID card, get pamphlet number one, get the four issues of the Stark Fist, and have Connie suck the wax out of my ears for free then fuck me until my dick bleeds?
Did I mention that I'm starting to hate it here?
Oh yeah, Lynn Andrews does not head up a religion. She runs a production company.
This book will tell you about the spiritual history of the universe, especially the seven local galaxies.
I was first contacted while working as a
Is your light body pure
Would you like to receive Johri energy?
Our weekend course costs seven hundred dollars.
Then there are the aliens. In fact there are aliens for every form of mental disease. Paranoids can believe that Draco Dark Lords masterminded the Kennedy Assasination. Schitzos can believe in the reptilians. Religious wackos prefer the ones who come from the Pleiades and want us to be enlightened.
The voices in my head tell me that I should prefer the Xists, no matter how late they are!!
By the way, the voices in my head ask, do think there isn't a penalty clause for late delivery in the Xist contract with "Bob?" You know, that could be pretty good for us...
"...knew that the aliens would be back the next day so I cleaned up my room. When they came back I wanted to them to know that I was a good person."
"...astrally travelling on the brown ray from the twelfth planet."
So let me play this back to you: You're walking down the street and some voice in your head says, "Hey, I'm an alien and I want humans to stop making war and become energized divine light beings. So wear crystals, which actually come from my planet, and go out into the desert and do this particular ritual. It will open a gate and we'll be in better contact then. Soon my people will come through the gate and make your world into a better place." and you believed that voice?
No one here is talking about "Bob". But I know that "Bob" is wise and good. "Bob" will save our planet from the bad aliens. I've given all my money to "Bob" and I know that's a really good thing to do and finally I give up and go running down the aisle between booths screaming, "You'll pay to know what you really think. You'll pay to know what your really think. You'll pay to know what you really think. Praise "Bob." Whaty's wrong with you people. Can't you pull the wool over your own eyes? Do you have to pay someone seven hudred dollars to do it for you? Act like a dumbshit and they'll treat you like and equal. You're all equals here"
Someone grabs me by the arm and offers me an herbal antibiotic. One woman sagely whispers to her friend, "Its third eye blow out, I've seen it before. For some reason they always talk about "Bob." Security gets there and they're dressed in white but they're too tall and they wear crystal lenses that focus tachyon radiation and they drag me to this white room and some fat woman dressed in all organic hemp clothing is waving a crystal over may head and talking me about peak experiences and energy plateaus and I'm screaming "War is Peace, Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength."
Finally "Bob" comes to me and gives me the strength to overcome my oppressors. I use the blue ray from "Bob's" planet and blow a hole in the wall, run screaming through the parking lot until I find my car. I'm convinced that the aliens don't like me and as I drive home I'm shadowed by an evil saucer ship driven by the Draco Dark Lords. In the end my wife takes all the literature I've collected, tosses it in the trash and puts me to bed. One phrase keeps running through my head.
"It's a third eye blowout, I've seen it before. For some reason they always talk about "Bob."
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